


The Mystery of the Slutty Battlesuits

by Vallias



Category: Honkai Impact 3 (Video Game), 崩坏3rd | Honkai Impact 3rd (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, Gen, I swear, also teri says fuck, but like not in a horny way, rated m for heavy talk about boobs, this is not a horny fic at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 15:28:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20876486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vallias/pseuds/Vallias
Summary: Why are clothes made for fighting deadly monsters so revealing, anyway?





	The Mystery of the Slutty Battlesuits

“Hm, this isn’t so bad. With the way Aunt Himeko was warning us, I thought it’d be much worse!”  
  
Mei stared down at the… messed up scrap of fabric and armor in her hands, internally screaming. _ This _ was what she was meant to wear on missions from now on? She supposed it would do the job it was meant to, being built around close-quarters combat. It’d allow for lots of mobility while also putting armor around most of her internal organs, but…   
  
“Am I missing an undershirt?” She asked, squinting at the center of the top piece.   
  
Kiana chirped out a quick “Nope!” and continued to admire her own battlesuit in the mirror. Oh, that lucky bastard. Sure, Kiana’s is skintight, but at least it covers everything! And it comes with, like, rocket boots! Why couldn’t Mei have been just a little worse at close-quarters combat and a little better at general-purpose mission things so she could’ve been assigned that one?   
  
Because right now, in her hands is her brand-new, specially designed crimson impulse battlesuit - her new standard battlesuit for missions of all kinds…   
  
And it has a giant star-shaped cutout right where her tits go.   
  
Fuck this.

Kiana spared her a glance through the mirror and smirked. “C’mon Mei, the designers know what they’re doing… _ probablymostlikely _ . Are you just scared about showing off…” She waved her hands around her boobs, “All of that?”   
  
Mei scoffed and gave her an incredulous look. Wait…   
  
** _“Kiana Kaslana, did you bribe your aunt into making the designers show off my boobs!?”_ ** **** _  
_ **** _  
_ The accused raised her hands in an effort to preserve her innocence. “ _ What?! No! _ ” Mei pointed her katana at her dear friend’s throat.   
  
“Meeeiiiii! C’mon, I’m _flirty, _ but I’m not an asshole! _ ” _ Kiana whined.   
  
“Jury’s out.”   
  
“I didn’t even know that was the battlesuit getting assigned to you before today!”   
  
“You have connections.”   
  
“Aunt Teri never tells me anything! _ You know that! _ ”   
  
She rolled her eyes and waited a beat before sheathing her katana. “Fine, fine. I’ll believe you, for now.”

Kiana backed away and lowered her arms. “Phew. Thought I was a goner, there.” Mei smiled. “You almost were,” She said, and Kiana grinned.   
  
“If it’s any consolation, I think it’ll look great on you. Like, really, _ really _ great.”   
  
Mei groaned and glanced down at the battlesuit one last time. It had some support, sort of, but how would she possibly fight for any extended amount of time without worrying about nip slips? Hell, how would she _ walk _ without worrying about accidents!? She silently cursed whoever made this.   
  
“I’m filing an official complaint.”   
  
“Aww…”

  
  
-

“Bronya, what the hell are you wearing!?”  
  
Bronya glanced down, shrugged and stared at Kiana. “Yamabuki Armor, a defense-type battlesuit.”   


“Uh, nothing about that looks defensive. It’s like… the front half of a t-shirt and then a bunch of string everywhere else.”  
  
“It is designed to be as lightweight as possible. The shields generated by it cover most of The Bronya’s body.”   
  
_ “It’s string!” _   
  
“Of course Idiotka would not understand.”   
  
“Oh, you little-!”

As she lifted more of their supplies onto the jet, Himeko shot a look back at the arguing students. “Now, now, girls! This is a serious mission, you need to behave!”  
  
“Yes, major.”   
  
“Sorry, Aunt Himeko!”   
  
Mei frowned. She had gotten that ridiculous cutout fixed after complaining to the right people enough (it was now replaced by a mesh), but the crimson impulse battlesuit still wasn’t what you’d call modest. Was this going to become a pattern? And now Bronya’s new battlesuit… a concerning pattern, to say the least.   
  
Her frown deepened, and she titled her head at the ever-arguing pair. “I agree with Kiana. Aren’t you going to get a little cold?”   
  
Bronya shook her head. “Nyet. The shields will generate warmth.”   
  
“And if the shield generator breaks?”   
  
She shrugged again, and then they were getting called for liftoff, and that was that.

  
  
-

Fu Hua stood in front of the display case, mouth open in disgust.  
  
“I am… not wearing that.”

The engineer showing the beta design to her looked miffed. “Its capabilities were designed by the overseer himself! The shields and walls are entirely unique, and its close-quarters damage output is like nothing we’ve ever seen! Combine that with the outstanding healing ability and all-new eclipse mode-”  
  
She shifted her weight and crossed her arms. “I don’t care. I’m not wearing it.”   
  
“But why!?”

“Look at it. It hardly covers anything!”  
  
A passing assistant laughed quietly. “Isn’t that, like, the norm for valkyrie battlesuits?”   
  
“Yeah, for some reason. Honestly, who makes the concept designs for these? Some of the stuff they make us build is ridiculous.” Another engineer commented.   
  
It was no secret that valkyrie armor tended to be on the revealing side. People across the world had made countless jokes about it, and yet, nothing ever changed about the situation. That didn’t mean Fu Hua had to take any part in it.   
  
“I want a full bodysuit around the technical stuff, kevlar, anti-honkai threads, the works." She scowled. "Head to toe, understood? No cutouts. No exceptions.”   
  
The first engineer stared at her. “But that’s not what we were told to make!”   
  
“You can be the one to tell the overseer I’m quitting, then.”   
  
“I… I understand.”   
  
Three weeks later, Fu Hua tried on the finalized version of her customized Shadow Knight battlesuit and felt pretty proud.

  
  
-

It was a peaceful night. The valkyries were sitting around the dinner table, smiling and laughing and complimenting Mei’s cooking. Rain softly tapped at the window, like a background melody to the sounds of their laughter. Everything was nice…

** _SLAM!_ **   
  
The door crashed open and there stood Theresa, with a bundle of papers in her arms and a manic look in her eyes.

Suddenly on guard, Himeko lept out of her seat. “What’s wrong!?” Everyone else followed suit, straightening up or reaching for weapons.  
  
“The battlesuits!” Theresa ran to the table and slammed the papers down. “They’re weirder than we fucking thought!”   
  
Himeko slumped back down. “Oh, come now, Teri. Everyone knows they suck, this isn’t anything new.” She took a long sip of her drink. “And what did we say about swearing at the dinner table?”   
  
“Nononono! Just, guys, look at this!”   
  
Everyone leaned in, setting their plates aside, as Theresa spread the papers around the table.   
  
She took a deep breath and then started rambling. “Okay, so you know weird the battlesuits are sometimes? Cutouts that make no sense, shirts without backs, random string and straps and whatever everywhere, and weird combat capabilities in general? I mean, c’mon, why is one of the main abilities of the standard white comet suit a goddamn giant cat foot?”   
  
“Oh, I ask myself that question every day!” Kiana said.   
  
“Yeah! So, I did some asking around in the engineering department…” She started digging around the pile of papers and files.   
  
Fu Hua placed her chopsticks down. “And?”   
  
“Nothing! Literally nothing! Papers leading to dead ends, files coming from nowhere, it’s-!” She continued digging around manically.   
  
Mei held up her hands in a placating gesture. “Woah, woah, slow down! It’s okay!”   
  
“Just explain exactly what you mean.” Fu Hua said.   
  
“Okay, okay. So I talked to the head of the people who actually build the battlesuits. They don’t know who designs them, they just get the order to build them. So I went to the engineers. They don’t know who creates the concepts and the look of the outfits, they just do the math to make those concepts a reality. So I went to every single department who could possibly have a hand in this - higher-ranked valkyries, the IT team, HR, even grampa! _ Nobody knows who’s making them! _ ”   
  
Himeko flipped through the file closest to her. It was full of concept sketches, orders going from one department to another, conversations about materials used, but no names anywhere. “Okay, you’re right. This is _ really _ weird. And I’ve seen a lot of weird shit in my day, mind you.”   
  
Fu Hua leaned forward. “A few weeks ago I was called in to test a battlesuit built for my no-weapons style, and one of the engineers said something strange.” Heads snapped to her. “What?” Kiana asked.   
  
“She said, “Who even makes the concept designs for these things?” I found it a little odd at the time but I just assumed it was a lack of proper communication between departments. I forgot about it until now.”   
  
Bronya lifted one of the papers and stared at it quizzically. “The Bronya believes this is worthy of investigation.”   
  
“Wait!” Theresa shouted. “I have a theory!”   
  
Mei nodded, “Let’s hear it.”   
  
She pulled out a red marker and started drawing lines between parts of the papers on the table. The mess of lines ended in a huge circle in the middle around a scribbled photo of the white comet battlesuit’s neko arms punching a honkai beast. “Uhhhh…”   
  
Teri slammed the marker down on the table. “It’s the honkai! It’s infecting the minds of the engineers!”   
  
Everyone groaned. “Annnnnd you’ve lost us,” Himeko drawled. 

“Aunt Teri, please don’t tell us you’re gonna make us start wearing tinfoil hats…”  
  
“That’s a great idea!”   
  
Fu Hua started gathering the papers off the table. “Listen, it’s strange, but probably just highly classified. Unless it becomes a problem, we should forget about it for now.”   
  
“But why wouldn’t grampa know?!”   
  
Himeko patted her shoulder. “To be fair, Teri, Schicksal is a very large organization with a lot of members, and he doesn’t personally know each one. And even if he does know who they are, he probably didn’t tell you because you have a big mouth.”   
  
“Hey!”   
  
“Now sit down and eat your dinner.” Himeko smiled.   
  
Kiana grumbled. “I was kinda looking forward to finding out who makes us wear this ridiculous crap.”   
  
“The Bronya agrees.”   
  
Mei shrugged and picked up her chopsticks. “Well, I guess we’ll never know…”

  
  
-

  
  
_ Meanwhile… _

  
“Master apocalypse, I do believe you should lay off the wine. This is quite the important task, and you’ve had 8 glasses already…”   
  
Rita glanced at the screen in front of him, and not a single thing on it was encouraging. The drunken scribbles barely resembled anything wearable, and the notes signaling what features it should have sounded impossible. What was the worst part? The ice skates? Summoning a giant lucky cat figure to attack with? The fact that on the crude drawing one of the wearer’s boobs would be completely out? The random scribbles around the legs that would inevitably become the wearer’s only coverage on her lower half?   
  
“I humbly request that you stop designing battlesuits exclusively when you’re blackout drunk, sir. I am only concerned for your health…”   
  
“No.”   
  
She glanced back at the abomination on the screen and felt a pang for whoever would end up wearing that thing. “I understand.”   
  
Oh, that poor girl...

**Author's Note:**

> I finally finish one of my wips and it's a dumb crackfic abt valkyrie battlesuits. What gives?


End file.
